My Experience with Behaviour – a Personal Story

Ruth's Reflection#6 

My second son’s birth was premature by two months.  He weighed 3lbs. 4oz. and remained in the hospital until he had gained weight to 5lbs.  My doctor reassured me that he would do just fine, as he was a fighter. While I waited for him to come home, I researched premature births and their effects on children and discovered that “preemies” have a tendency towards ADHD.  Generally, my son’s developmental stages were slightly delayed, but by age 5 he had caught up to his peers. 

I began to notice defiant, strong-willed behavior as he approached the “terrible twos”.  He was much more difficult to manage than his older brother, and much more difficult than my friends’ children.  He challenged me every step of the way.  Most days I would fall into bed at the end of the day, exhausted and down on myself for being the “wicked witch of the west” with my children.  I was a stay-at-home mom and wanted to be the best mom possible but often felt like a failure.

In those days, fortunately, I found an expert on exactly what I was dealing with.  I discovered books and broadcasts by a doctor named James Dobson. He described these unique individuals this way: “Just as surely as some children are naturally compliant… there are others who seem to be looking for a fight upon exit from the womb.  Such children come into the world smoking a cigar and barking orders in the delivery room…” However, he also writes, “ It is my firm conviction that the strong-willed child usually possesses more creative potential and strength of character than his compliant siblings, provided his parents can help him channel his impulses and gain control of his rampaging will”.

Dr. Dobson, in his book The Strong-Willed Child, wrote about the importance of shaping, and never breaking the child’s will.  He suggested that when a child behaves in ways that are disrespectful, his motive is to verify the stability of the boundaries that have been set up.  He is looking for leadership that holds firm and is confident.  His greatest security is found in a structured environment where the rights of other people and his own are protected by definite boundaries. 

So how is “shaping the will” accomplished? 

First: Define the Boundaries Before They Are Enforced 

Establish reasonable expectations and boundaries in advance so that the child knows what is and what is not acceptable behavior before he is held responsible for the rules. Ask the child to explain to you what the boundary is, so that you know they clearly understand.

Second: When Defiantly Challenged, Respond with Confident Decisiveness

Most children will assault the authority of their elders and challenge their right to lead.  A little child will consider his parents’ wishes and defiantly chose to disobey.  It is extremely important for the adult to win this challenge decisively and confidently.  An example was with my son’s afternoon “nap”.  I had established a rule that after lunch both sons would spend an hour in their bedrooms with the door closed.  They could read or play quietly, but they were not to come out until I opened their door.  My eldest son complied, happily went to his room, and later I would often find him fast asleep.  My youngest son believed it was in his power to renegotiate the terms of this rule every single day.  He used all of the renegotiating skills at his disposal at the time.  He shouted, “NO”, he screamed, he yelled, he sat on the floor and grabbed onto stationary objects, he kicked, he stretched out his arms to prevent passing through the doorway, and once inside, he pounded on the door.  This battle went on each day for months.  When he finally stopped fighting me and there was peace with this issue, we could move on to the next issue.

Third: Distinguish between Willful Defiance and Childish Irresponsibility

Forgetting to put away toys or forgetting to feed the dog are behaviors typical of childhood and should be handled with patience.  Be gentle as you teach the child to do better.  Continued failure to respond to instruction, however, requires appropriate consequences that fit the situation i.e. paying for an items that has been abused, or being deprived of its use for a time. 

Fourth: Reassure and Teach After the Confrontation is Over

After a time of conflict, the child may want to be hugged and reassured.  This may be a good time to speak words of love and encouragement to the child and to talk about what happened and why. 

Fifth: Avoid Impossible Demands

Ensure that the child is fully capable of delivering what is expected and required. 

Sixth: Let Love Be Your Guide

A healthy relationship is characterized by genuine love and affection, even though parental errors are inevitable. 

Dr. Dobson suggests that often the strong-willed child ends up in leadership as an adult.  This has been very true of my son.  He is now 32 years of age and is currently successfully managing a business.  He has had several jobs in the past where he soon rose in the ranks as leader over others.  I am grateful that in spite of our rough beginnings as mother and son, our relationship is strong and healthy.  While he was growing up, I would often say that he would make us proud one day, and he certainly has!!

In summation, Dr. Dobson wrote,

1.    You are not to blame for the temperament with which your child was born.  He is simply a tough kid to handle and your task is to rise to the challenge.

2.    He is in greater danger because of his inclination to test the limits and scale the walls.  Your utmost diligence and wisdom will be required to deal with him.

3.    If you fail to understand his lust for power and independence, you can exhaust your resources and bog down in guilt.  It will benefit no one.

4.    If it is not already too late, take charge of your babies.  Hold tight to the reins of authority in the early days, and build an attitude of respect during your brief window of opportunity. 

5.    Stay on your child’s team, even when it appears to be a losing team.  You’ll have the rest of your life to enjoy mutual fellowship.

6.    Give him time to find himself, even if he appears not to be searching.

7.    Hold your child before the Lord throughout their years.  The God who made your child will hear your petitions.  He has promised to do so.  After all, He loves them more than you do.

Ruth

Books referenced are written by Dr. James Dobson

The Strong-Willed Child

Dare to Discipline

Parenting Isn’t for Cowards

Getting Your ADHD Kids Off The Refrigerator and Onto Learning

Homeschooling a child with ADHD is a challenge. These children are easy to love, but hard to raise.  However, there are many blessing along the way for both you and your child, in more ways than you can imagine.

A good “rule of thumb”:  don’t try to apply typical educational strategies to your atypical child.  Stop thinking in terms of “what works for most children”; instead, through experimentation, find out what works best for your child.

Here are some teaching tips to try out:

·        Keep your child moving as much as possible.  If you require this child to sit perfectly still and look at you intently, chances are they will not be able to listen.  In fact, they may implode!  They NEED to be moving while listening.

·        Have them do two things at once, i.e. play with silly putty, turn screws into wood, sweep or mop the kitchen floor while listening.

·         Play games such as:

• Toss-It: Use an object for a throw-and-catch game to obtain answers, i.e. I say “A”, and then throw a beanbag to the child.  He says “B” and throws it back.  You can learn the books of the Bible, multiplication tables, provinces and capitals using this game.
• Hop-On-It: Put cards on the floor with words on them, i.e. noun, verb, adjective, adverb.  Call out a word and the child has to jump on the correct word.
• Jumping Jacks: Spell words or recite math facts while doing jumping jacks.

·      Allow the child to respond orally.  These children usually are “writing-haters”. Keep in mind that the object is to learn the lesson material.  Writing does not HAVE to be incorporated into each learning activity.

·        Set up a study carrel.  Use a big tri-fold cardboard stand (these are often used for science fair projects and can be purchased at Staples) that blocks out distractions. 

·      To enhance focus, try allowing earphones with instrumental music, i.e. calming classical music, guitar pieces, and orchestral selections.

·       Don’t do every problem in the book.  If the child has mastered the concept after completing half the page, circle several more and let this suffice for the lesson.  Move on from what they know, and concentrate on what they have yet to master.  The child will think he has been given a “break” because he doesn’t have to do them all.

·       Provide a checklist of the day’s assignments. Children like to know what’s coming.  They like to check off each assignment as it’s completed.

·       Adjust your speaking volume and intensity.  A very animated and upbeat style may be overly stimulating. Having a low-key teaching style may prove to be more effective.

·     Use a timer and make a game of it.  Ask how long they think it will take them to complete a task and then set the timer.

·     Squeeze more information into shorter blocks of time.

·     Let them stand while studying, and use an exercise ball for a chair. (Note: try the Hokki stool for dynamic seating - http://www.letsmovecanada.com/) 

·     Give rewards generously for on-task behaviour. Children with ADHD love praise and rewards.  Set goals. Start with short periods of time and work up to a longer duration before giving a reward.

    Although these children may be exhausting, take time to see their God-given gifts and talents.  Remember that they are special and are destined for something wonderful, often that which is impossible for those calmer, non- refrigerator-climbing, regular-energy level children.  Delight in their boundless energy and tireless enthusiasm for life. Who knows, they might become rock-climbing enthusiasts or world famous mountaineers!

       Ruth

_______________________ 

Resource suggestion: an “outside-the-box” approach

Time4Learning

www.time4learning.com

Let's Talk About Dyslexia: Hunters and Gatherers of the Oral World

Children with dyslexia often have trouble pulling out the right sounds when they are speaking.  It’s not that they’re not smart and don’t know the meaning of words, it’s a problem of getting out the word with the right sound combination.  They may say, “It’s on the tip of my tongue,” and what comes out will be a different word than intended.  For example: A little boy was crossing the street with his dad and saw several people jaywalking.  He looked up at his dad and said, “Those Presbyterians should be more careful.”  Of course he meant pedestrians, but the wrong word came out.

Context Matters

If there is an overall theme to building word power for children with dyslexia, it is this: context matters.

They will more likely understand and remember information by relating facts to larger ideas.  In order for information to be understood and remembered, it needs to be attached to an idea.

Picture Thinkers

Many children with dyslexia are kinesthetic learners; they are ‘picture thinkers’. Therefore, learning a new word might involve having the child make a three-dimensional modeling-clay or play-dough representation, either symbolic or realistic, of the word.  The process of creating the image, stores the word’s meaning in a different part of the brain, generating a visual association. For example: the word ‘through’ might be represented with play-dough by creating a train track with a train passing through a tunnel.

Acting out Words

Children with dyslexia also benefit from acting out words.  Having to bring a word to life is a little like a game of charades.  It requires an understanding of the word in a deep way, and involves grasping the meaning of the context of the word.

Include in Adult Conversations

Another way to build vocabulary is to bring children into the conversational world of adults.  Being included in adult conversations at the dinner table, in the car, or while the family is discussing an important issue benefits all children.  Conversational inclusion is particularly valuable, however, to children with dyslexia. They are the hunters and gatherers of the oral world.  Because it is harder for them to access knowledge by reading written information, they typically develop strong listening skills.   Engaging in sophisticated discussions helps them build their knowledge and word banks while developing transferrable conversational skills.  Talking with adults challenges children to use higher-level critical thinking skills and vocabulary.  Children with dyslexia crave context.  Conversations with adults offer them a context for ideas and words, two currencies that they will trade in throughout the remainder of their lives.

Intentional Lines of Questioning

Lines of questioning are likely to lead to rich conversations.  If you ask for a retelling of events or for a summary of the day, you challenge them in two important ways: word retrieval (remembering the best word to describe things) and sequencing (ordering events).  Ask how they feel about an issue, why they thought a problem occurred, or why they did or did not like something.  This line of questing helps children to think critically.  They are required to make connections between their life experience and the experience of others, make predictions, and organize their thoughts.  Plan to include new vocabulary words that you can easily introduce into conversations with your child.  Talking with adults offers children an opportunity to practice their oral expression, clarify application of new words, and ask questions in a safe environment. 

Rich Environments

Hunter-gatherers need fields and forests teaming with life. They need opportunities to hunt down a new word, expression, or idea; an exciting new conquest. When your hunter-gatherer brings home a new conquest, celebrate!

Ruth

Let's Talk about Dyslexia: Providing Emotional Support

Children who have dyslexia may need emotional support for the many challenges they face.  Offer your child encouragement.   How?

Teach through and focus on your child’s areas of strength.  If your child understands more when listening, let him or her learn new information by listening to an audio book or watching a DVD.  If possible, follow up with the same story in written form. 

Respect and challenge your child’s natural intelligence. Most children with dyslexia have average or above-average intelligence that can be challenged by parents who encourage their intellectual growth.  

Be honest with your child about his or her learning differences.  Explain it in understandable and age-appropriate examples and terms while offering unconditional love and support.

Teach your child to persevere. You can model, through good-humored acceptance of your own mistakes, that mistakes can help you find solutions.

Recognize your child’s unique challenges. There may be some things your child will always struggle with more than others do.  Help your child understand that this does not mean he or she is a failure.

Don’t expect perfection.  Squabbling with your child over schoolwork will create an unhealthy relationship and emphasize your child’s failures.

Ruth

Let's Talk about Dyslexia - How to Help your Child

You can be a positive force in your child’s education.  How?

Read to your child.  Find time to read to your child every day.  Point to the words as you read.  Draw attention to words that you run across in daily life, such as traffic signs, billboards, notices, and labels. 

Be a good role model.  Show your child how important reading is to daily life.   Make books, magazines, and other reading materials available for your child to explore and enjoy independently.

Focus on the sounds within words (phonemes). Play rhyming games, sing songs that emphasize rhyme and alliteration, sound out letters, play word games, and point out similarities in words.

Encourage reading fluency.  Have your child read a short passage several time while you record the time it takes.  Children often enjoy seeing if they can improve their time, and the repetition helps establish fluency.

Work on spelling.  Point out new words, play spelling games, and encourage your child to write.

Help with time and planning.  Hand up simple charts, clocks, and calendars, so that your child can visualize time and plan for the future.

Share in the joy of reading.  Find books that your child can read but that you will also enjoy.  Sit together, take turns reading, and encourage discussion.  Revisiting words that cause trouble for your child and rereading stories are powerful tools to reinforce learning.

Read, read, read.  Read to and with your child.  This can make a positive difference in learning basic reading skills.

Ruth

Let’s Talk About Dyslexia - Symptoms

Dyslexia is a learning challenge that makes it hard to read, write, and spell.  Experts don’t know for sure what causes dyslexia, but it often runs in families. 

What are the symptoms?

Signs of dyslexia in children who are too young for school include:

• Talking later than expected
• Being slow to learn new words.
•   Problems rhyming
•  Problems following directions that have many steps.

After a child begins school, the signs of dyslexia include:

• Problems reading single words, such as a word on a flash card.
• Problems linking letters with sounds.
• Confusing small words, such as “at” and “to”.
• Reversing the shapes of written letters such as “d” for “b”.  For example, the child may write “dat” for “bat”.
• Writing words backwards, such as “tip” for “pit”.

If your child has one of these signs, it does not mean that he or she has dyslexia.  Many children reverse letters before age 7.  But if your child has several signs, and reading problems, or if there is a family history of dyslexia, you may want to have your

child checked.

Ruth

Reminder to have Vision Checked!

Just a reminder today from Aneta Coulter (thanks Aneta!) about the importance of checking children's vision. This is something that we like to bring up each Autumn, as those who learn at home don't get their vision checked automatically - something that happens in kindergarten in a campus school. Vision is something that can have a major impact on learning.  A good developmental optometrist is the first stop for any child who is struggling with reading.  Talk to your LS consultant to find one near your families. 

Aneta found this story as an added inspiration.  http://archieslaw.com/about-archie/about-archie-2/